76 Things That I Have Learned & Accepted in Life
1. I will never be invited to a party at the
Playboy Mansion nor will I ever date a Playboy
Playmate.
2. Albums
and cassette tapes are gone forever and are never coming back.
3. My
hairline and my waistline are also gone forever and are never coming back.
4. I
will never be the King of Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
5. Duct
tape has a million uses; however, toilet paper is not one of them.
6. I
will never be an action-movie star, or even a porn star, in Hollywood.
7. My
first girlfriend has gotten over me…and so have numbers two through the
present…
8.
Alcohol may not be a solution to any of my problems, but then again,
neither is milk.
9.
Technically speaking, though, according to chemistry, alcohol IS a solution.
10. Being known as the “Fun One” of the group is a good thing, unless you’re in prison.
11. Scientifically speaking, the universe is made
up of protons, neutrons, electrons, and morons.
12. I will never again run the forty yard dash in
under 4.3 seconds. (I once actually
could…) In
fact, I will probably never run for
forty yards again, either. I just don’t
want to; I prefer to
walk or drive.
13. I’ll never have sex with Cindy Crawford,
Carmen Electra, Jenna Jameson, Pamela
Anderson, or a Dallas
Cowboys Cheerleader, but I am still holding out for former adult film star Bree
Olson because I heard that she likes older men. (Hey, you still have to hold
onto some totally unattainable dreams!)
The ironic thing is that most of the goddesses whom I once worshipped
when I was younger, who were once out of my reach, have now grown older and
uglier (unlike me, of course). Some of
them are actually no longer “out of my league.” However, after spending my
entire life settling for women who weren’t quite “major-league” material, I
find that those “minor-league” women just don’t replace my “major-league”
fantasies.
14. I will never again be able to belch the
entire alphabet as I could when I was younger.
(However, the other end of me is
beginning to speak in nearly-complete sentences, so there
is a chance that I may soon develop a
talent with my rectal vocabulary.)
15. I’ll never again know the joy of putting my
finger in and finding money in the coin slot of a
pay telephone. I’ll never again know this joy because there
are no longer any pay phones
anywhere!
16. Trying to shave my balls with that electric
chainsaw was a mistake.
17. I’ve realized and accepted that all women are
liars. If size isn’t important, why aren’t
vibrators three inches small, semi-limp,
and crooked? (Not that I’m describing
myself or
anything…)
18. Marijuana will never be completely legalized
in my lifetime…at least not while I live in the Bible-
thumping South.
19. I’ve realized that the key to life is
sincerity. Once you have learned to fake
that, you’ve got it
made.
20. Love is like a fart. If you have to force it,
it’s probably going to be crap.
21. I’ve realized that it’s kind of God’s fault
for making teenage girls so attractive.
22. Those photos taken of me and the goat in
Mexico will eventually surface and, as Desi Arnaz
used to say to Lucy, “I’ll have some
explaining to do!” (However, I did, at
least, have the
marriage annulled! That should count for something!) By the way, do you know why you
screw a goat on the edge of a
cliff? So the goat will push back!
23. The old adage that there is someone out there
for everyone is bullshit. I actually
tried
computer dating once. They asked me what I liked most in a
woman. I answered, “My
penis.”
They rejected me! Can you believe it?
I’m just an old fashioned guy. To me, to put
anything else inside a woman
would be sick, twisted, and un-natural.
I could have said
things like a zucchini, a baseball bat,
my fist, a fly swatter, fireworks, a tennis racket, a
remote control, a rake, a golf club, a
telephone, a weed-wacker, a dinosaur bone, an
umbrella, etc. I was just being honest. Of course, we all
know how well honesty really
works in a relationship, don’t we?
24. Wile E. Coyote will never catch the Road
Runner.
25. Dating that girl who had an Adam’s apple was
probably a mistake.
26. I’ll never be a quarterback in the Super
Bowl. In fact, I’ve accepted that I’ll
never even
attend a Super Bowl in person because
I’m not a rich celebrity or a corporate big-wig. I’m
just a plain old football fan, so I just
don’t fit in. People who know football and people who
love football have been replaced by
celebrity assholes and corporate douche-bags who have
money and can afford to attend the
three-ring circus known as the Super Bowl. (And while
I’m on the subject of the Super Bowl, I
believe that the day after the Super Bowl should be a
national holiday or at least a work
holiday.)
27. I can leave the house in the morning, work
all day, come home, and still have nothing to say.
Luckily for me, there is no one there at
home to tell the nothing to, so I don’t feel so bad.
28. Bad decisions in my life make the best
stories. Every good decision that I’ve ever made just
doesn’t make for an interesting tale.
However, most people seemed shocked at my bad
decision stories, so I just don’t tell
them too often any more. I’ve considered
converting to
Catholicism just so I could tell some of
my better stories to a priest in confession.
I don’t
want forgiveness, I just want to be able
to tell these stories to someone so they don’t go to
waste.
29. When it comes to women, one should
never marry a psychotic woman. However,
it is
perfectly fine to date one,
though. Every man in the world should
have at least one good
story of dating a psycho. Psycho-women
are entertaining enough, in small doses.
However,
the longer you stay with a psycho, the
more likely it is that you will bring out the inner
demons in her. (Or maybe it’s just me…) Psycho-women are the basis for some of, if
not
all of, the best times of your life.
Sex with a psycho-woman is both exciting and dangerous!
Enjoy and embrace crazy women. On the
path of life, always choose the psycho-path!
30. I’ve accepted that I’ll never again be able
to dunk a basketball.
31. I probably shouldn’t have tried to masturbate
in the hospital while hooked up to the heart
monitor. However, I did get a lot of
attention from the nurses who were on duty…
32. I’ve realized and accepted that Santa Claus,
the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, unicorns,
and True Love are all equally real!
33. I’ve realized that it was a bad idea in my
last job interview to ask if they were going to
check up on any of my outstanding arrest
warrants and my felony convictions. Some job
interviewers just have no sense of
humor…
34. Those court-ordered anger management classes
were a huge waste of time and money and
did nothing but royally piss me off!
35. I will never participate in a gang-bang with
the Swedish bikini team.
36. I’ve accepted that good health is merely the
slowest possible way in which one can die. Life, itself, is a terminal disease. You can
eat well, exercise regularly, and take good care of
yourself—but you’re still going to
die. I don’t want to die a slow death,
so I eat junk, never
exercise, and try not to take care of
myself.
37. Women ALWAYS
have the last word in an argument. Anything that a man says after that is
just the beginning of a brand new
argument.
38. I have decided that I am going to ignore
whatever is invented next after Blu-ray.
I just
don’t feel like re-starting my
collections all over again.
39. Teenage girls’ breasts are God’s greatest
work. However, they are also Satan’s
greatest
tool!
40. The Three Stooges will never be understood or
fully appreciated by women. The subtle
nuances of vaudeville and the refined
slapstick humor of the Stooges are beyond (or, most
likely, below) the female brain’s
comprehension.
41. British humor, such as Benny Hill or Monty
Python, will also never be appreciated by the
female brain.
42. My penis is like a feline. It used to want to play all the time when it
was a kitten, even at the
most inopportune times. It then became an uncontrollable wildcat in
my teens. But now it is
like an older cat; it just wants to
sleep most of the time and it usually gets irritated with me
when I want to wake it up and move it.
(And don’t get me started on all of those hairballs it
now coughs up…)
43. Why does a dog lick his
balls? Because he can. I’ve accepted that I will never be able to do
that.
Lick my own balls, that is; not lick the dog’s balls. When I was a
little boy sitting on
my
Grandpa Tommy’s front porch, my brother and I used to watch his old hound dog
lick
his balls. I remember my older brother saying, “I’d sure
like to be able to do that.” Grandpa
Tommy just said, “That dog would bite
you…”
44. I’ve realized that women are like one-lane,
winding mountain roads—the more curves they
have, the more dangerous they are.
45. The main difference between oral thermometers
and rectal thermometers is the taste.
46. I’ve accepted that if someone steals my
wallet, I won’t chase after him. It’s
just easier to
cancel my credit cards.
47. Asking that hot girl if I had met her at the
STD Clinic was probably a mistake.
48. I’ve realized that I don’t need to do drugs
anymore. I get the same effect just by standing up
really fast.
49. I was once told that if I was just patient
and waited long enough, the right woman would
come along. Well, either she got hit by a bus along the
way, or she has, in the words of
Bugs Bunny, “Taken a wrong turn in
Albuquerque.” It looks like she’s not going to show up
in my lifetime. Knowing my luck, she’ll show up about fifteen
minutes after I’m dead. (I’m
pretty sure that Cupid has lost my
address on Google map.) And if there
really is a match
out there for everyone, why is it that
Cupid doesn’t have a partner? Why is
there no Mrs.
Cupid?
He is always alone, too. If he can’t find the right woman for himself,
what chance in
hell does he have of finding one for me?
50. Taking that laxative and sleeping pill on the
same night was a mistake.
51. You can only wear sweat pants for a limited
number of times in a strip club before the
dancers begin to get wise to you.
52. Indecision in life is the key to
flexibility. (At least, I think it is; I can’t decide.)
53. I’ve realized that I have a lot of stories
that involve me and handcuffs. I just wish that more
of them involved sex instead of the
police. (However, some of the stories involve both…)
54. If women, instead of periods, had
apostrophes, they would be even more possessive and
prone to contractions. (Sorry, old
English major’s joke…)
55. I’ve realized that my principles are not for
sale. However, I’ve accepted that, from
time to
time, my principles can be rented.
56. If life gives you melons, you might be
dyslexic.
57. Any tattoo received during Spring Break is a
mistake.
58. If you’re with a woman who has a tattoo of a
butterfly on her back in memory of the woman
who raised her, you’re going to need an
easily-remembered safe word.
59. They say that what doesn’t kill you, makes
you stronger. Well, what doesn’t make you
stronger, kills you.
60. Whatever doesn’t kill you, didn’t try hard
enough.
61. I am sorry that I hurt my ex-wife’s feelings
when I called her stupid. (I really thought that
she already knew!)
62. Years of counseling have taught me that
nothing is really my fault.
63. That tequila-induced decision to try to
out-run the cops in my 1972 Volkswagen Beetle was
probably a mistake.
64. Never, under any circumstances, is it okay to
ask a woman if she is pregnant! (How am I
supposed to know if you are actually
pregnant or are just now turning into a tub of lard?)
65. They say that you should treat your body like
a temple. I say that you should treat
your
body like an amusement park that is
going to close soon.
66. I don’t look better when I don’t wear my
glasses, but I do look better when you don’t wear
your glasses.
67. You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just
by looking at her hands and feet. For example,
from my personal experience, if she’s
holding a gun or a knife, she’s probably angry. If her
feet are around her ears, she probably
likes you.
68. Any evening that involves cough syrup,
caffeine, Krispy Kreme doughnuts, vodka, and
vicodin is probably not going to end well.
69. If I had a dollar for every woman who found
me unattractive, they would eventually find me
attractive.
70. A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s
thoughts.
71. Learn to love a woman for her
personality. She usually has about a
dozen, so pick one!
72. Every time you turn the other cheek, you give
someone else a brand new opportunity to slap
you in the face.
73. If you make a deal with the devil, make sure
he regrets it.
74. A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad
memory.
75. Always remember the golden rule. Those who have the gold, rule.
76. Panties are not the best thing in the world,
but they are next to it.
