76 Things That I Have Learned  & Accepted in Life

 1.  I will never be invited to a party at the Playboy Mansion nor will I ever date a Playboy

      Playmate.

 2.  Albums and cassette tapes are gone forever and are never coming back.

 3.  My hairline and my waistline are also gone forever and are never coming back.

 4.  I will never be the King of Mardi Gras in New Orleans.

 5.  Duct tape has a million uses; however, toilet paper is not one of them.

 6.  I will never be an action-movie star, or even a porn star, in Hollywood.

 7.  My first girlfriend has gotten over me…and so have numbers two through the present…

 8.  Alcohol may not be a solution to any of my problems, but then again, neither is milk.

 9.  Technically speaking, though, according to chemistry, alcohol IS a solution.

10.  Being known as the “Fun One” of the group is a good thing, unless you’re in prison.

11.  Scientifically speaking, the universe is made up of protons, neutrons, electrons, and morons.

12.  I will never again run the forty yard dash in under 4.3 seconds.  (I once actually could…)  In

       fact, I will probably never run for forty yards again, either.  I just don’t want to; I prefer to

       walk or drive.

13.  I’ll never have sex with Cindy Crawford, Carmen Electra, Jenna Jameson, Pamela

Anderson, or a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader, but I am still holding out for former adult film star Bree Olson because I heard that she likes older men. (Hey, you still have to hold onto some totally unattainable dreams!)  The ironic thing is that most of the goddesses whom I once worshipped when I was younger, who were once out of my reach, have now grown older and uglier (unlike me, of course).  Some of them are actually no longer “out of my league.” However, after spending my entire life settling for women who weren’t quite “major-league” material, I find that those “minor-league” women just don’t replace my “major-league” fantasies.

14.  I will never again be able to belch the entire alphabet as I could when I was younger.

       (However, the other end of me is beginning to speak in nearly-complete sentences, so there 

       is a chance that I may soon develop a talent with my rectal vocabulary.)

15.  I’ll never again know the joy of putting my finger in and finding money in the coin slot of a

       pay telephone.  I’ll never again know this joy because there are no longer any pay phones

       anywhere!

16.  Trying to shave my balls with that electric chainsaw was a mistake.

17.  I’ve realized and accepted that all women are liars. If size isn’t important, why aren’t

       vibrators three inches small, semi-limp, and crooked?  (Not that I’m describing myself or

       anything…)

18.  Marijuana will never be completely legalized in my lifetime…at least not while I live in the Bible-

        thumping South.

19.  I’ve realized that the key to life is sincerity.  Once you have learned to fake that, you’ve got it

       made.

20.  Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably going to be crap.

21.  I’ve realized that it’s kind of God’s fault for making teenage girls so attractive.

22.  Those photos taken of me and the goat in Mexico will eventually surface and, as Desi Arnaz

        used to say to Lucy, “I’ll have some explaining to do!”  (However, I did, at least, have the

        marriage annulled!  That should count for something!)  By the way, do you know why you

        screw a goat on the edge of a cliff?  So the goat will push back!

23.  The old adage that there is someone out there for everyone is bullshit.  I actually tried

       computer dating once.  They asked me what I liked most in a woman.  I answered, “My

       penis.”  They rejected me! Can you believe it?  I’m just an old fashioned guy. To me, to put

       anything else inside a woman would be sick, twisted, and un-natural.  I could have said

       things like a zucchini, a baseball bat, my fist, a fly swatter, fireworks, a tennis racket, a

       remote control, a rake, a golf club, a telephone, a weed-wacker, a dinosaur bone, an

       umbrella, etc.  I was just being honest. Of course, we all know how well honesty really

       works in a relationship, don’t we?

24.  Wile E. Coyote will never catch the Road Runner.

25.  Dating that girl who had an Adam’s apple was probably a mistake.

26.  I’ll never be a quarterback in the Super Bowl.  In fact, I’ve accepted that I’ll never even

       attend a Super Bowl in person because I’m not a rich celebrity or a corporate big-wig.  I’m

       just a plain old football fan, so I just don’t fit in. People who know football and people who

       love football have been replaced by celebrity assholes and corporate douche-bags who have

       money and can afford to attend the three-ring circus known as the Super Bowl. (And while

       I’m on the subject of the Super Bowl, I believe that the day after the Super Bowl should be a

       national holiday or at least a work holiday.)

27.  I can leave the house in the morning, work all day, come home, and still have nothing to say.

       Luckily for me, there is no one there at home to tell the nothing to, so I don’t feel so bad.

28.  Bad decisions in my life make the best stories. Every good decision that I’ve ever made just

       doesn’t make for an interesting tale. However, most people seemed shocked at my bad

       decision stories, so I just don’t tell them too often any more.  I’ve considered converting to

       Catholicism just so I could tell some of my better stories to a priest in confession.  I don’t

       want forgiveness, I just want to be able to tell these stories to someone so they don’t go to

       waste.

29.  When it comes to women, one should never marry a psychotic woman.  However, it is

        perfectly fine to date one, though.  Every man in the world should have at least one good

        story of dating a psycho. Psycho-women are entertaining enough, in small doses.  However,

        the longer you stay with a psycho, the more likely it is that you will bring out the inner

        demons in her.  (Or maybe it’s just me…)  Psycho-women are the basis for some of, if not

        all of, the best times of your life. Sex with a psycho-woman is both exciting and dangerous!

        Enjoy and embrace crazy women. On the path of life, always choose the psycho-path!

30.  I’ve accepted that I’ll never again be able to dunk a basketball.

31.  I probably shouldn’t have tried to masturbate in the hospital while hooked up to the heart

       monitor. However, I did get a lot of attention from the nurses who were on duty…

32.  I’ve realized and accepted that Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, unicorns, 

       and True Love are all equally real!

33.  I’ve realized that it was a bad idea in my last job interview to ask if they were going to

       check up on any of my outstanding arrest warrants and my felony convictions. Some job

       interviewers just have no sense of humor…

34.  Those court-ordered anger management classes were a huge waste of time and money and

       did nothing but royally piss me off!

35.  I will never participate in a gang-bang with the Swedish bikini team.

36.  I’ve accepted that good health is merely the slowest possible way in which one can die. Life,               itself, is a terminal disease. You can eat well, exercise regularly, and take good care of

       yourself—but you’re still going to die.  I don’t want to die a slow death, so I eat junk, never

       exercise, and try not to take care of myself.

37.  Women ALWAYS have the last word in an argument. Anything that a man says after that is

        just the beginning of a brand new argument.

38.  I have decided that I am going to ignore whatever is invented next after Blu-ray.  I just

       don’t feel like re-starting my collections all over again.

39.  Teenage girls’ breasts are God’s greatest work.  However, they are also Satan’s greatest

       tool!

40.  The Three Stooges will never be understood or fully appreciated by women.  The subtle

        nuances of vaudeville and the refined slapstick humor of the Stooges are beyond (or, most

        likely, below) the female brain’s comprehension.

41.  British humor, such as Benny Hill or Monty Python, will also never be appreciated by the

       female brain.

42.  My penis is like a feline.  It used to want to play all the time when it was a kitten, even at the

       most inopportune times.  It then became an uncontrollable wildcat in my teens. But now it is

       like an older cat; it just wants to sleep most of the time and it usually gets irritated with me

       when I want to wake it up and move it. (And don’t get me started on all of those hairballs it

       now coughs up…)

43. Why does a dog lick his balls?  Because he can.  I’ve accepted that I will never be able to do

       that.  Lick my own balls, that is; not lick the dog’s balls. When I was a little boy sitting on  

       my Grandpa Tommy’s front porch, my brother and I used to watch his old hound dog lick

       his balls.  I remember my older brother saying, “I’d sure like to be able to do that.” Grandpa

       Tommy just said, “That dog would bite you…” 

44.  I’ve realized that women are like one-lane, winding mountain roads—the more curves they

       have, the more dangerous they are.

45.  The main difference between oral thermometers and rectal thermometers is the taste.

46.  I’ve accepted that if someone steals my wallet, I won’t chase after him.  It’s just easier to

       cancel my credit cards.

47.  Asking that hot girl if I had met her at the STD Clinic was probably a mistake.

48.  I’ve realized that I don’t need to do drugs anymore. I get the same effect just by standing up

       really fast.

49.  I was once told that if I was just patient and waited long enough, the right woman would 

       come along.  Well, either she got hit by a bus along the way, or she has, in the words of

       Bugs Bunny, “Taken a wrong turn in Albuquerque.” It looks like she’s not going to show up

       in my lifetime.  Knowing my luck, she’ll show up about fifteen minutes after I’m dead.  (I’m

       pretty sure that Cupid has lost my address on Google map.)  And if there really is a match

       out there for everyone, why is it that Cupid doesn’t have a partner?  Why is there no Mrs.

       Cupid?  He is always alone, too. If he can’t find the right woman for himself, what chance in

       hell does he have of finding one for me?

50.  Taking that laxative and sleeping pill on the same night was a mistake.

51.  You can only wear sweat pants for a limited number of times in a strip club before the

       dancers begin to get wise to you.

52.   Indecision in life is the key to flexibility. (At least, I think it is; I can’t decide.)

53.   I’ve realized that I have a lot of stories that involve me and handcuffs. I just wish that more

        of them involved sex instead of the police. (However, some of the stories involve both…)

54.  If women, instead of periods, had apostrophes, they would be even more possessive and

       prone to contractions. (Sorry, old English major’s joke…)

55.  I’ve realized that my principles are not for sale.  However, I’ve accepted that, from time to

       time, my principles can be rented.

56.  If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

57.  Any tattoo received during Spring Break is a mistake.

58.  If you’re with a woman who has a tattoo of a butterfly on her back in memory of the woman

       who raised her, you’re going to need an easily-remembered safe word.

59.  They say that what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. Well, what doesn’t make you

       stronger, kills you.

60.  Whatever doesn’t kill you, didn’t try hard enough.

61.  I am sorry that I hurt my ex-wife’s feelings when I called her stupid. (I really thought that

       she already knew!)

62.  Years of counseling have taught me that nothing is really my fault.

63.  That tequila-induced decision to try to out-run the cops in my 1972 Volkswagen Beetle was

       probably a mistake.

64.  Never, under any circumstances, is it okay to ask a woman if she is pregnant! (How am I

       supposed to know if you are actually pregnant or are just now turning into a tub of lard?)

65.  They say that you should treat your body like a temple.  I say that you should treat your

       body like an amusement park that is going to close soon.

66.  I don’t look better when I don’t wear my glasses, but I do look better when you don’t wear

       your glasses.

67.  You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by looking at her hands and feet. For example,

       from my personal experience, if she’s holding a gun or a knife, she’s probably angry. If her

       feet are around her ears, she probably likes you.

68.  Any evening that involves cough syrup, caffeine, Krispy Kreme doughnuts, vodka, and

       vicodin is probably not going to end well.

69.  If I had a dollar for every woman who found me unattractive, they would eventually find me

       attractive.

70.  A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.

71.  Learn to love a woman for her personality.  She usually has about a dozen, so pick one!

72.  Every time you turn the other cheek, you give someone else a brand new opportunity to slap 

       you in the face.

73.  If you make a deal with the devil, make sure he regrets it.

74.  A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory.

75.  Always remember the golden rule.  Those who have the gold, rule.

76.  Panties are not the best thing in the world, but they are next to it.