Marriage/Divorce
I am a non-recently divorced man. A
neurotic, balding, unattractive, middle-aged man is divorced—Wow, is anyone
surprised? (I guess that’s what I get
for marrying a family member! I am
originally from the South Carolina low-country, remember? South Carolina—where the official state
tee-shirt is a dirty wife-beater. From where I came from, family reunions were
a place to meet girls who also had low standards!) But I am divorced. Everyone says that his/her ex–spouse was nuts
or was crazy. Well, mine actually have
the official papers to prove it. In
fact, one of them probably has a champion’s pedigree in crazy! My divorces irritate me, but not in the way
that one might think. I remember when I
was in the process of going through with my divorces, everyone kept saying to
me, “You’re much better off now. It’s
over! You’re finally done with her!
You’re finished with her!” And I
actually started to believe that statement.
However, nothing could be further from the truth! I will, unfortunately, never be done with my ex-wives. I can never be finished with them. No, that doesn’t mean that I am still in love
with them and I hope that, somehow, we’ll find a way to get back together
because I’m a hopeless romantic.
Ha! When I say that they’ll never
be out of my life, I mean that I have now become what the television stations,
the newspapers, and the police profilers have labeled as “a disgruntled
ex-husband.” I am really not
“disgruntled” towards my ex-wives. I no
longer hold any animosity toward them anymore. (It may have taken about a
decade or so of serious drinking and serious therapy, but I am over them.) But now the problem is, if one of my ex-wives
is giving a blow-job to some crack head under a highway overpass and gets run
over by a truck, guess whose tire tracks the police will come to check out
first? If one of my ex-wives overdoses
on heroin while screwing some homeless person for loose change in a back alley
somewhere, whose silverware pattern will the police come to check to see if the
spoons match? Yep, you got it—me—the
good old disgruntled ex-husband! As a
“disgruntled ex-husband,” I suddenly become a “person of interest” in any crime
involving any of my ex-wives. Every time that a woman is beaten, killed, dies,
or disappears, who is the prime suspect?
Who is the first person the police question? Whom does the media immediately accuse? Who is the one who everyone knows did it? Yes sir—good old disgruntled ex-husband. Talk about your ultimate form of
profiling! I am now the number one
suspect if anything ever happens to my ex-wives now or twenty years from
now. The other day while watching the
news, a story came on about a woman’s body being found. My first thought was, “The husband or
ex-husband better have a good alibi!” If
something actually happened to my ex-wives, now that I have been divorced for
over ten years, I would like to think that there are other prime suspects,
besides myself, the disgruntled ex-husband.
Because of this, my ex-wives will never really be totally out of my
life. I always have to have a provable
alibi for every minute for every day for the rest of my life. My alibi for my whereabouts can never just
be, “On the first of August at 10:05 P. M., I was at home alone sitting in my
underwear eating Chee-tos and watching cartoons on television.” I now have to take notes to prove that I
actually was watching
cartoons. I have to document, “On the
tenth of October at 10:05 P.M., Elmer Fudd shot Daffy Duck. At 10:06 P. M. Bugs Bunny said to Daffy Duck,
‘Duck Season’ to which Daffy replied, ‘Wabbit Season’…” I now have to take freaking notes like I was
in a class! I also have to save the
receipt for the Chee-tos. In some ways,
it is even worse than being
married. If my ex-wives didn’t believe
me or thought that I was lying to them when we were married, I got yelled at
and cut off from sex. As every married
man in the world can tell you, you get used to that punishment. (My wives and I used to have what I called
Olympic sex—not that it was world class, but that it happened once every four
years, if I was lucky! Or we would have what I called “Possum-style” sex—she
would lie still like she was dead until I left or it was over.) But now if the police don’t believe me, I
don’t get cut off from sex, I gain sex with my new cell-mate, Bubba. So, whenever I speak to my ex-wives now, I
always tell them to be careful, to eat right, to exercise, and to please
take care of themselves. I really mean
that, too. I can honestly say that I
want them to live a long, long life.
I honestly want them to outlive me.
I am not really concerned for their well-being; I just don’t want to
have to be questioned by the police or the local news. If I outlive them, I will eventually have to
answer questions regarding my whereabouts at the time of their death—no matter
where I was and no matter how they died.
If they outlive me, I’m hoping that they will be the ones who will have
to answer to the police. I can imagine
that they certainly have enough reasons to want to see me die a slow, painful
death. However, thanks to sexism, the
“disgruntled ex-wife” is usually not as much of a suspect as the “disgruntled
ex-husband.” Go figure. If an ex-husband turns up dead, the ex-wife
is not always considered the number one suspect. If I end up dead, nobody is going to suspect
my long-ago divorced ex-wives. No one
would be suspicious of them, unless someone noticed the woman at my funeral
with an extraordinarily large smile on her face! (Of course, you would also probably notice
the smiles on the faces of all my ex-girlfriends who showed up to spit on or
piss on me and my grave!)
I mean, while being married, I can
understand wanting your spouse dead or, at the very least, wanting your spouse
to disappear for a while. I think that everyone who has ever been married can
understand, at some point, wanting your spouse to disappear off the face of the
earth for a period of time, or at the very least, wanting aliens to come down
and abduct your spouse. I think most
married people can relate to that statement.
(I mean, I never really understood hunters and hunting until I was
married. Then I began to understand and
appreciate the powerful urge to want to kill!)
No, I am not suggesting going out and killing your spouse, but it would be much nicer and easier
if he/she suddenly dropped dead. For
numerous reasons death is so much easier than divorce for everyone
involved. Think about it. First, death is actually much cheaper than
divorce. (Luckily lawyers haven’t yet
figured out a way to represent deceased people by suing individual
diseases. But you can bet that as soon
as they figure out a way to sue the Grim Reaper, they will.) Second, death is much easier on your family
and friends—they don’t have to choose sides like they do when you are going
through a divorce. It is also much
easier to explain that your spouse died as opposed to explaining why you are
getting a divorce. Also, with death, you
won’t have to answer a lot of nosey busy-body’s questions as to what happened
and why. Next, with death, you wouldn’t lose your house, half your bank
account, half your baseball card collection and your manhood! With death, one also goes from being a
“bitter, disgruntled ex-husband” to a “poor widower.” The sympathy factor is much greater. (The sympathy sex from friends and strangers
is always good, too!) I really prefer
“poor widower” to “disgruntled ex-husband.”
I am actually a survivor. I don’t wear a pink ribbon or a red ribbon to
indicate that I am a survivor. I am not
a cancer survivor or an AIDS survivor; I am a marriage survivor. Instead of a ribbon, I wear a little rope
noose, a tiny pair of castrated balls, or a tiny half of a house—you know,
things that really stand for and symbolize the institution of marriage and divorce.
Speaking of marriage and divorce, the
older I get, the more it bothers me that nobody pays attention to my idea of “marriage
insurance.” I have told my idea
to every man I know who was getting married; however, they all just laughed at
me and ignored me. (Years later, my “humorous” little idea suddenly became
brilliant to them and they all wished that they had listened to me!) When I say marriage insurance, I don’t mean
paying a premium to an insurance company to guarantee payment in case of a
catastrophic divorce. I know that that
would be too easily abused. I have
thought this out. My idea—and I really think that this is brilliant—is to get a
safety deposit box in a bank that is not the one that you and your wife use.
(Make sure that the bank statement address is your work address. This way any statements from the bank come to
your work so your spouse won’t know or find out.) Each month take $100 in cash out of your paycheck and place that $100 into the
safety deposit box. Do this for every month that you are married. Then after
ten years or so, if you don’t get divorced, you can take the money out and take
her on an expensive “anniversary” cruise or buy her some expensive
“anniversary” jewelry. You can tell her
that you were saving this money just for her for all these years because you
love her so much and that you were planning all of this just for her. Gee—doesn’t that sound so sweet and
romantic? She will think that you are
the most thoughtful and loving husband in the world! (You can thank me later
for the great sex that you’ll have.) On
the other hand, if after ten years or so, when you do have to go through a
divorce, (which is, statistically, more likely) you will now have enough money
for either a good lawyer, a new TV (to replace the one your wife took), a new
recliner (to replace the one your wife took), or just enough money to rent a
really good hooker or two. Trust me,
you’ll need it. Both the extra money and the hookers… (You can also thank me
later for the great sex with the hookers, too!)
I don’t mean to sound so negative about
marriage, even though marriage is
the leading cause of divorce. In fact,
I have another brilliant idea that will eliminate divorce altogether! I think that a marriage license should be
like a dog license. A dog license has to
be renewed every year if you still have the dog. Why not do the same thing for marriage? Make
a marriage license one that must be renewed for every year that you still have
the dog …uh…the wife. Instead of costly
divorces, you could just let the license expire. This would also make things
easier if you “accidentally” forgot to renew it. “Oops, sorry honey... I forgot to renew our
marriage license. Our marriage has expired. Get out!” Also, the state would get yearly revenue
from all the annual license renewals.
Use all that money to fund roads, repair bridges, pay policemen, pay
teachers, build hospitals, fund pre-schools, feed and clothe the homeless, etc. (Damn, I’m a freaking visionary!)
Okay, let’s go ahead and get the rest of
the marriage/divorce stuff out of the way.
You’ve probably already heard most of these before, but if you’ve ever
been married (or divorced) you will always appreciate the truthfulness to these
statements, so here goes.
- Marriage isn’t a word; it’s a sentence.
- “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. “I do” is the longest
sentence.
- Marriage is an institution; I’m not ready for an
institution.
- The only perfect marriage would be with a deaf man and a
blind woman.
- Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.
- When two people want to get married, the bride gets a
shower, but for the groom, it’s curtains.
- How much does a marriage cost? I wouldn’t know. I’m still paying for it.
- Marriage
is like eating at a nice restaurant.
As soon as you have ordered, you see what the fellow beside you
ordered, and you wish that you had ordered that.
- Someone
at my wedding lit the fuse on my wife’s tampon. It went off shortly after we were married.
- Marriage
is the transference of misery from a woman to a man.
- A
man who gives in when is wrong is wise; a man who gives in when he is
right is married.
- There
is a huge difference between a divorce and a legal separation. A legal separation gives you time to
hide your money.
- Am
I opposed to same-sex marriage? Yes, I was married for nine years and the
sex was always the same.
- Am
I opposed to gay marriage? No, I’m
opposed to all marriage. (If gays want to be just as miserable as straight
people, I say, go for it!)
- A man isn’t complete until he is married; then he’s
finished.
- Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the “Y” becomes silent.
- Before marriage a man holds a woman’s hands for love;
after marriage a man holds a woman’s hands to keep her from killing him.
- There
are parts of a marriage that are good.
There are also parts of a colonoscopy that are good, too. It’s just hard to remember them because
you have a drain pipe running up your ass!
The extremely painful parts make it hard to remember the good
parts.
- Why are divorces so expensive? Because they are worth it!
- I probably should have paid more attention to my wedding
vows. I really don’t remember the part where they said, “Everything you
say can and will be used against you.”
- Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring,
wedding ring, and suffering.
- Some women fake orgasms; my wife faked an entire
relationship!
- You really don’t know a woman until you’ve divorced her.
- Marriage—a relationship where one is always right, and the
other is the husband.
- Sex
during marriage—for the first five years, it will be tri-weekly; for the
next five years, it will be try weekly; for the next five years, it will
be try weakly.
- Marriage
is like a deck of cards. You start out with hearts and a diamond, but end
up wanting a club and a spade!
- The
first fifty years of marriage are always the hardest.
- A divorce only proves whose mother was right in the first
place.
- As
far as relationships are concerned, you have two choices in life: you can
be single and be miserable, or you can get married and wish that you were
dead.
- I married “Miss Right.”
I just didn’t realize that her first name was “Always.”
- Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it isn’t so
hot.
- Marriages are made in heaven, but so are lightning,
thunder, tornadoes, and hailstorms.
- A man who gives in when he is wrong is wise; a man who
gives in when he is right is married.
- What’s the difference between a girl-friend and a wife? 45
pounds!
- What’s the difference between a boy-friend and a husband?
45 minutes!
- Half of all marriages end in divorce; the other half end
in death.
- And
my favorite of them all, what’s the difference between having a job for
five years and being married for five years? After five years, the job still sucks! (Married women hate that joke; married
men agree with the joke, but can’t bring themselves to laugh at it because
it is a true statement; and single people just laugh at it. But one day their views on that joke
will change! And by the way, that “joke” is actually NOT a joke!)